Friday, October 20, 2006

Goodbye for now

I've been thinking about it for a while and I've decided that for right now, my head and my heart are just not into blogging, or writing for that matter. My life is changing, becoming something else, and I am happily caught up in it. This space has taken a backseat to the real world for once and I'm trying to enjoy every second of it. That being said, I won't be updating the blog for a while. Thanks to everyone who stopped by here from time and I've enjoyed reading your words as well. Hopefully I'll see you all again when things settle down a bit. But until then, and because I love you, I'll leave you with this.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


I go away for one day and Lynn shuts down her blog. Sweet Jesus, what is the world coming to?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Because some days I feel like this

Friday, October 13, 2006

It's Friday the 13th, people

Better watch out for these guys....

Click the bunnies for Friday the 13th-related mayhem

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Has anyone seen my blogroll?

Just wondering.....

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Moving on

In April, my relationship of seven years ended. I didn't talk about it at the time because there really wasn't much to say. We just stopped loving each other at some point and there wasn't much we could do about it. We'd been living together for six years, a fairly comfortable arrangement that continued after we broke up, mostly for financial reasons. My friends couldn't understand how we did this, how we stayed under the same roof with all that shared history. Isn't it awkward? they asked and I always said no. No, it's the same as living with anyone else, only we know each other, we trust each other.

Last night, we had the talk. The one about moving out, moving on. I knew it was coming, we both knew it was coming. It couldn't last forever. Eventually, one of us would meet someone who would be worth the effort, worth the trouble of finding a new space to be. He told me about the girl he's been seeing for the past two months. I knew about her already, I just hadn't said anything. I told him I was happy for him, for them, and I meant it. Then he started to cry. How did this happen? he said and I couldn't tell him. I don't have the answer for why. We let it burn down around our ears because both of us were too afraid to run into the fire and see if there was anything worth saving. I told him it was no one's fault, that it couldn't have turned out any other way. And then he said this, which broke my heart: I don't remember anything before you.

I laid in bed last night, thinking about all the years we were together, everything that was good and bad. I cried, for us and for myself. I didn't cry when it ended, I didn't let myself feel anything about it. It surprised me, how much it really hurt. And now all I can think is, what is wrong with me? Why couldn't I do this? Why was it so easy to walk away from someone I had loved for so long? There are so many questions that I will never have the answers to. In the end, I know this is best, for both of us. We couldn't make each other happy because we weren't happy with ourselves. This is another thing to add to the list, another thing to let go of. I failed, us and myself. I failed but I've learned from it. This is the best I, any of us, can do.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Things I am trying to give up to the universe

1. Bad relationships, bad friendships. Why is it that the worse the relationship, the more you want to hold on?
2. Wanting/trying to change people. This doesn't work. It's impossible for anyone to live up to someone else's idea of what they should be.
3. Worrying. About everything. The older I get, the more it occurs to me how little control we have over things in the long run. Everything happens for a reason, just sometimes not for the ones you want them to.
4. The fear of being alone. I am 28 years old. Hopefully, I have a lot of living still ahead of me. The fact that I may have to do it alone scares the hell out of me.
5. The way I feel everything to the nth degree. It's all or nothing with me, there is no in-between and this is not always a good thing.
6. Insecurity. On most days, I hate the person I am. I see so many flaws and I project that onto everyone else. This does not make me a fun person to be around. I want to change that but I'm not sure how.
7. My mother. She drives me crazy, has been doing it pretty much all my life. I'm afraid to have kids because I don't want to be like her.
8. Being afraid that I'm wasting my life, that I'm not doing the things I should be. That I'll be one of those people who never lived up to their potential. The fear that I am living up to my potential and that it isn't much.
9. Worrying about the way I look. I've lost 30 pounds in three months because I stopped eating. I look great. I feel like hell. Not much of a trade-off there.
10. Disappointment. There is still good in this world somewhere. I just have to take the time to look for it.

So, what's on your list?

Sunday, October 08, 2006


Saturday, October 07, 2006

My new philosophy

....courtesy of xkcd

(Thanks to Michele and That Girl for the link)

Friday, October 06, 2006


September, finally, is over. September was not a good month for me. It was, in fact, the month that kicked me in the teeth, in more ways than one. There were low points: my uncle died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 41. I am still trying to deal with it but one day, when I can, I'll tell you about him. I went home for the wake and spent two days fighting with my mother. Everything with her has to be dramatic, sometimes to the point of embarrassment. It dawned on me that no matter what happens, we will always be this way with one another. Maybe all mothers are like this but I don't think so. I found out that my father has been sick since July, pain in his chest and trouble breathing. The doctors don't know what's wrong with him and I can barely speak to him. There is too much guilt, on both our parts. I haven't been able to write. Not even a grocery list. I don't know if this is a temporary thing. I'm worried that it may not be.

There were good things, small things that made it bearable. While I was home, I got to see mountains again, something I hadn't seen in years. They were comforting, familiar. They reminded me that at least once, there was someplace I belonged. I spent time with my family, people I hadn't seen in 2, 5, 20 years. I saw my cousins, children I used to play with, get dirty with, fight with, all grown up. I saw my aunts and uncles (my mother is one of ten) and all of them, all of them, told me how much they loved me. I needed that. I think being away from them so long, I'd forgotten it but they hadn't. I had a birthday yesterday, another year closer to thirty. I am determined to make the best of it, being 28. I think I may just be hitting my stride. I met someone new, when I least expected it. It's different this time, I'm not so afraid of losing myself again. He holds my hand all the time, everywhere. I like this. It's nice, having someone to hold on to.

September may have knocked me down but I'm not out. Not yet. To October, I say welcome, and bring it. Bring it. I'm ready.


To those of you who continue to check on me here, thank you. I'll be back soon. I just need a couple of more days to get my head straight.