Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Moving on

In April, my relationship of seven years ended. I didn't talk about it at the time because there really wasn't much to say. We just stopped loving each other at some point and there wasn't much we could do about it. We'd been living together for six years, a fairly comfortable arrangement that continued after we broke up, mostly for financial reasons. My friends couldn't understand how we did this, how we stayed under the same roof with all that shared history. Isn't it awkward? they asked and I always said no. No, it's the same as living with anyone else, only we know each other, we trust each other.

Last night, we had the talk. The one about moving out, moving on. I knew it was coming, we both knew it was coming. It couldn't last forever. Eventually, one of us would meet someone who would be worth the effort, worth the trouble of finding a new space to be. He told me about the girl he's been seeing for the past two months. I knew about her already, I just hadn't said anything. I told him I was happy for him, for them, and I meant it. Then he started to cry. How did this happen? he said and I couldn't tell him. I don't have the answer for why. We let it burn down around our ears because both of us were too afraid to run into the fire and see if there was anything worth saving. I told him it was no one's fault, that it couldn't have turned out any other way. And then he said this, which broke my heart: I don't remember anything before you.

I laid in bed last night, thinking about all the years we were together, everything that was good and bad. I cried, for us and for myself. I didn't cry when it ended, I didn't let myself feel anything about it. It surprised me, how much it really hurt. And now all I can think is, what is wrong with me? Why couldn't I do this? Why was it so easy to walk away from someone I had loved for so long? There are so many questions that I will never have the answers to. In the end, I know this is best, for both of us. We couldn't make each other happy because we weren't happy with ourselves. This is another thing to add to the list, another thing to let go of. I failed, us and myself. I failed but I've learned from it. This is the best I, any of us, can do.


Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Wow, Rebecca.
It seems like every time you write, that you open a window to the very same view that I see. It's eerie.


10/10/2006 12:05 PM  
Blogger jason evans said...

I'm very sorry, Rebecca.

I do want to say something though. Although it's natural to feel the loss of the earlier times when you were both in love, and it's natural to feel like you let those people down, no one can stop the march of time or predict what effects it will have. Things change, not always for the better, and that is no one's fault. No one is to blame, and no one truly failed. Feelings live by their own rules and will yeild to the will of no one.

10/10/2006 1:18 PM  
Blogger twitches said...

No relationship lasts forever. I've found that when a relationship no longer serves you, it ends. It's not a bad thing, or a failure. It just means you've learned what you were meant to learn from that person, and you have to move forward into the next experience.

10/10/2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger Orange Blossom Goddess (aka Heather) said...

I failed too but I'm actually becoming ok with that...I give it airtime every once in awhile and then I move on.

10/10/2006 6:43 PM  
Blogger Quinn said...

I have a story to tell you someday about a girl named Suzzette.

I like the subtle inference in twitches' comment that the "right" person is one who continues to find new things to teach us . . . which also implies that we are finding new things to teach someone else.

10/10/2006 10:45 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

It says something about your character. You won't stick with something just because it's familiar. You need something more. I think you are following your instincts. Your lack of feeling is a defense against your insecurities, the ones that would invariably convince you to stay. Move on, but read this post a year from now. You will be proud of what you were able to do for yourself.

10/11/2006 7:29 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Michael, maybe I should start closing some windows, I don't know.

Jason, it's not a big deal. I'm just a little sad about it, that's all.

Twitches, that's a good way of looking at it.

Heather, I'm glad you're doing okay with it.

Quinn, I'll hold you to that.

Scott, it took me a long time to get here so who knows where I'll be a year from now.

10/11/2006 9:49 AM  
Blogger Mella said...

I failed, us and myself. I failed but I've learned from it.

Exactly right. I'm sorry that it hurt and that it's scary to move forward (potentially) alone - but not only have you learned from it, you've been shaped by it. And the only thing more powerful than that, is accepting it. This is the best I, any of us, can do.

10/11/2006 10:57 PM  
Blogger Inconsequential said...

We let it burn down around our ears because both of us were too afraid to run into the fire and see if there was anything worth saving.

Fantastic Line.


Sorry to hear of your troubles, but then again, if he's going now, then you're free to do what ever you like :)

10/12/2006 1:56 AM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Grief has its own timeline. Very honest post...

10/13/2006 12:05 AM  

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