Well

September, finally, is over. September was not a good month for me. It was, in fact, the month that kicked me in the teeth, in more ways than one. There were low points: my uncle died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 41. I am still trying to deal with it but one day, when I can, I'll tell you about him. I went home for the wake and spent two days fighting with my mother. Everything with her has to be dramatic, sometimes to the point of embarrassment. It dawned on me that no matter what happens, we will always be this way with one another. Maybe all mothers are like this but I don't think so. I found out that my father has been sick since July, pain in his chest and trouble breathing. The doctors don't know what's wrong with him and I can barely speak to him. There is too much guilt, on both our parts. I haven't been able to write. Not even a grocery list. I don't know if this is a temporary thing. I'm worried that it may not be.

There were good things, small things that made it bearable. While I was home, I got to see mountains again, something I hadn't seen in years. They were comforting, familiar. They reminded me that at least once, there was someplace I belonged. I spent time with my family, people I hadn't seen in 2, 5, 20 years. I saw my cousins, children I used to play with, get dirty with, fight with, all grown up. I saw my aunts and uncles (my mother is one of ten) and all of them, all of them, told me how much they loved me. I needed that. I think being away from them so long, I'd forgotten it but they hadn't. I had a birthday yesterday, another year closer to thirty. I am determined to make the best of it, being 28. I think I may just be hitting my stride. I met someone new, when I least expected it. It's different this time, I'm not so afraid of losing myself again. He holds my hand all the time, everywhere. I like this. It's nice, having someone to hold on to.

September may have knocked me down but I'm not out. Not yet. To October, I say welcome, and bring it. Bring it. I'm ready.