Friday, October 06, 2006

Well

September, finally, is over. September was not a good month for me. It was, in fact, the month that kicked me in the teeth, in more ways than one. There were low points: my uncle died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 41. I am still trying to deal with it but one day, when I can, I'll tell you about him. I went home for the wake and spent two days fighting with my mother. Everything with her has to be dramatic, sometimes to the point of embarrassment. It dawned on me that no matter what happens, we will always be this way with one another. Maybe all mothers are like this but I don't think so. I found out that my father has been sick since July, pain in his chest and trouble breathing. The doctors don't know what's wrong with him and I can barely speak to him. There is too much guilt, on both our parts. I haven't been able to write. Not even a grocery list. I don't know if this is a temporary thing. I'm worried that it may not be.

There were good things, small things that made it bearable. While I was home, I got to see mountains again, something I hadn't seen in years. They were comforting, familiar. They reminded me that at least once, there was someplace I belonged. I spent time with my family, people I hadn't seen in 2, 5, 20 years. I saw my cousins, children I used to play with, get dirty with, fight with, all grown up. I saw my aunts and uncles (my mother is one of ten) and all of them, all of them, told me how much they loved me. I needed that. I think being away from them so long, I'd forgotten it but they hadn't. I had a birthday yesterday, another year closer to thirty. I am determined to make the best of it, being 28. I think I may just be hitting my stride. I met someone new, when I least expected it. It's different this time, I'm not so afraid of losing myself again. He holds my hand all the time, everywhere. I like this. It's nice, having someone to hold on to.

September may have knocked me down but I'm not out. Not yet. To October, I say welcome, and bring it. Bring it. I'm ready.

16 Comments:

Blogger jason evans said...

I'm very sorry for the all pain in September. But there's a strength in your words by the end of your post. You sound grounded. You sound ready.

10/06/2006 9:11 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

I'm just ready for something else at this point. Something happy for a change would be nice.

10/06/2006 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Neil said...

May October blow in some joy for you, along with the Fall breezes.

10/07/2006 1:06 AM  
Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

Thanks for sharing, it was right from the heart. Sending you good, positive thoughts.

10/07/2006 1:40 AM  
Blogger twitches said...

Sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle.

Hang in there. All things pass and the ebb and flow of life will bring you back to writing, and peace, and all that other stuff.

10/07/2006 7:39 AM  
Blogger January said...

Sorry for your loss.

And you're right, October's here and things will get back to normal sooner than you think. And if you need to, just hold onto us.

In my head, I am forever 28 years old. I say every age is the best age. Being 30 or 40 or 50 is overrated. Just be happy and the rest will fall into place.

Happy Birthday, Rebecca!

10/07/2006 9:46 AM  
Blogger Bev said...

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle...may God bless you with healing....

You struck a chord when you were talking about your mother....my mother and I had a very adversarial relationship when I was your age....I'm now in my mid 50s, she's mellowed, I've mellowed (she still doesn't really "get" what I do, but she's less hostile about it) These things just take time, and distance

I'll say extra prayers for you in your new relationship....love can be grand!!

10/07/2006 9:51 AM  
Blogger Chad Simpson said...

Happy Birthday, Rebecca.

I'm sorry for your loss and glad to hear things are starting to look up for you.

Take care.

And don't let the Yankees' performance in the playoffs get you too down.

10/07/2006 10:22 AM  
Blogger willowtree said...

I havent been around awhile, I know life is crummy sometimes, but it's good to see you fighting the good fight.

10/07/2006 11:52 AM  
Blogger willowtree said...

Happy Birthday!

10/07/2006 11:53 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Thanks again, everyone. I'm trying to get around to visiting all of you again regularly. I still don't have much to say but I'm still there lurking. And Neil, I just saw that you posted a picture of yourself in your profile. You're adorable, if you don't mind me saying so. :)

10/07/2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger Quinn said...

Happy belated birthday, Rebecca.

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough, and I'm glad to hear that something good has happened as well.

Dormancy happens. You'll write again. There are too many of us around here who won't give up on you.

10/08/2006 10:10 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Hi Quinn. When is your birthday? I know it's got to be soon. Thanks for stopping in and I hope you're right about the writing thing. We'll see.

10/08/2006 10:15 AM  
Anonymous bookfraud said...

sorry to hear about your uncle -- 41 is so young (and my age). and i hope things get better in your life. death, parental fighting, family sickness...you really hit the jackpot.

after my father died, i thought about quitting the fiction game for awhile. didn't seem worth my time. the desire will return.

october will treat you right.

10/09/2006 1:32 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

The desire is there, it's just a question of determination and talent, both of which I'm questioning right now. We'll see how it goes.

10/09/2006 2:21 PM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

I feel the same way about my mother & I've had to accept that unless she has a personality transplant, there are definite limitations on the type of relationship we can have. I hope October & your 28th year are filled with positive, growing experiences. much peace, JP

10/13/2006 12:02 AM  

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