Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Writing blind

Let's face it, I've been a bad blogger the last couple of days. I've given you some lovely pictures to look at it but I haven't exactly inspired scintillating conversation. (Not that I do that anyway. I just like that word "scintillating". Not "titillating" though. That just seems dirty.) I've also been neglecting my blogreading. I just spent the last hour or so visiting all of my favorite places, playing catch up. If I missed you, please forgive me. My brain is feeling like a big ball of mush at this point.

The past couple of days, I've just felt stretched to the breaking point. There's no reason for it really. My life is relatively low-key, my time is mostly my own. I know that there are other writers out there who would kill for the amount of spare time that I have, time that I've been wasting all too much of late. I'm in a creative slump and I can't seem to claw my way out of it.

The other night, I was watching "Groundhog Day" and I just kept thinking, This could be my life. In the movie, Bill Murray's character was forced to live the same day over until he worked out all the things that he'd been doing wrong. An endless cycle of instant reincarnation that only ended when he resolved all the things that were wrong in his life. In a way, that's exactly what I'm doing, only in my case, there aren't a countless number of do-overs.

So what's my problem anyway? Procrastination and indecision are first on the list. I am a self-admitted slacker, possibly the world's worst. I can think of a thousand reasons not to do something, but never that one reason why I should. Or else, I'll just worry over something, some decision, until it's too late to do anything about it anyway. I've missed more opportunities simply because of indecision and laziness than anything else.

Fear, next, fear of the unknown. Lack of confidence, hesitation, second-guessing. I want to take risks, to "dare to suck" as Scott says, but I worry too much that I'll fail, so I give up before I begin. When someone pays me a compliment, I can never take it at face value. I always assume they're lying, that they're just trying to be nice. I'm like the low self-esteem girl who went to your high school and did everyone's homework to try and fit in.

The life I'm living is nothing special but that's my own fault. What does the life I want look like? Part of the problem is, I don't really know. I see myself painting, writing, creating, laughing, loving, being happy but it's like seeing underwater. The vision is blurry, the edges are out of focus. I'm struggling, trying to fight my way to the surface and break through but the tide is pulling me under.

I need a poem. I need a story. I need a new thought, a new way of seeing. I need an idea. I need some inspiration. I need a voice. I need a sign. I need a miracle. I need a bolt from the blue. I need something unexpected. I need to find the way.

I hate to be self-indulgent and whiny but I'm a little lost right now and I want to ask you a favor: don't give up on me, okay? I'll find my way back eventually but it'll be an easier trip if I know there's someone waiting for me at the end of the road.


Blogger Orange Blossom Goddess (aka Heather) said...

Oh gosh I sympathize! I have been feeling very similar (in most areas of my life) for months and months! Chin up and whatnot.

6/28/2006 8:15 PM  
Blogger Justin Evans said...

Lemme get my catcher's mit.

6/28/2006 9:04 PM  

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