Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Hurt

There's a bruise on my arm, a raised lump just under the skin, sore to the touch. Most likely, it's been there for days but I've only just noticed it now. There are other bruises, on my arms, my legs, in various shades of black, blue, green. Some are old injuries and some are new. What have you been doing to yourself? I think, but I have no answer. These past few weeks, I've been moving unconsciously, weaving in and out of blind spots, oblivious to these small hurts.

I've had injuries before. When I was eight or nine, I nearly cut out my own tongue. I was running around the house with the cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper in my mouth and walked into a wall. It didn't really hurt but there was so much blood. I had only seen blood like that once before, when my mother severed one of her fingers. They sewed my mouth back together with black thread and I couldn't eat for a week. But eventually, I healed.

In high school, I fell while getting out of the shower. I slipped and hit my leg hard against the side of the shower door. My ankle swelled to the size of a grapefruit and I thought I'd broken something. I had a bruise for weeks after and a hard knot of scar tissue formed that's never completely gone away. I walked with a limp for almost a month. But slowly, I healed.

In college, I fell down a flight of stairs. On the way down, I threw out my arm to break my fall. When I hit the ground, I felt the bones collide and twist. There was a strange lump in my wrist where the bone had shifted. I thought I would pass out from the pain; I'd never felt anything like that before in my life. The doctor strapped a cast on my arm and told me to be more careful. And once again, I healed.

The most recent injury is nothing you can see. There is no scar, no visible damage. Like those other accidents, this one has blindsided me; I never saw the fall coming. It's left me cautious, unable to trust myself. You should learn to be more careful, I think, but I've never been careful. I am the girl who leaps blindly, the one who only thinks to look once she's landed, and finds that nothing is familiar. These bruises are just a temporary hurt, another reminder to be more cautious in the future. The real pain is deeper, slower to heal. But I know that eventually, it will.

21 Comments:

Blogger jason evans said...

Pain causes you to avoid. Pain cripples.

Lessons teach.

Perhaps these marks are just reminders of your lessons.

7/26/2006 8:11 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Didn't your mom tell you not to run with cardboard tubes in your mouth? I got so sick of hearing that.

7/26/2006 8:34 AM  
Blogger Lex Ham Rand said...

I've been buried in work and missed these past three posts until now.

Sorry to hear about pain - vexing horoscopes - the urge to flee...

I was happy to read about healing, though. Hang in there.

7/26/2006 10:14 AM  
Blogger Gerald Huml said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/26/2006 11:48 AM  
Blogger Gerald Huml said...

Sorry about all of the mysterious bruises.

On a lighter note, your reminiscing of past injuries made me think of the immortal words of Apollo Creed in one of the Rocky movies: "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

7/26/2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger Quinn said...

Ready for a funny?

As an undergrad, I tried a fancy dismount out of my dorm loft one night after drinking. In my mind it involved a push, a twist, and landing with my opposite foot on the dresser then stepping down, gracefully, to the floor. I pushed, but didn't turn and didn't get my foot on the dresser. Instead, I launched myself out of the loft and crash-landed on the dresser - face-first - then flopped onto the floor. Broke my nose. It was all so, slow motion, I even had time to say, calmly, "oh shit" as I tipped out of the loft and before crashing into the dresser.

The next day I learned that My friends, who I'd been out drinking with were in the next room, still hanging out. Heard the crash, and asked each other "do you think slappy fell out of the loft?" "Nah," they decided. "Slappy woudn't do that."

7/26/2006 12:20 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Jason, maybe. Or maybe it's the universe trying to tell me not to be such a klutz.

Scott, no she didn't and that's why I almost cut my tongue out. I never did that again.

Rand, it's okay. It's just that that stupid boy who I thought liked me? Turns out, not so much. Screw him anyway. I'll get over it.

Gerald, you always choose the exact right quote. How do you do that? :P

Quinn, one word: Slappy? I think I'd rather hear how you came by that nickname, although the "oh, shit" line has sent me into hysterics.

7/26/2006 12:50 PM  
Blogger Flood said...

Did you ever read the World According to Garp? Women were cutting their tongues out on purpose, in solidarity with a rape victim, whose assaulters had cut her tongue out in order to keep her from talking about the crime.

The victim thought they were all wacky.

I love John Irving.

7/26/2006 4:05 PM  
Blogger Lynn said...

Boys suck. Well, most of them do. It's just a matter of finding the right one, the one who won't hurt you.

7/26/2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Flood, no I haven't read it. But I'll have to now.

Lynn, I'm not sure such a thing is possible, for me at least. But thanks anyway.

7/26/2006 11:06 PM  
Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

It's been good to catch up on your posts again. Hope your healing is a fast one and that you will be stronger for it. Keep writing! It's good for you! (and for us your reader-friends.)

7/27/2006 12:31 AM  
Blogger JimmyJames said...

Have you ever read "Women who run with the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It is a series of short stores and myths about the "wild woman" archtype. It is also about reclaiming ones own power in relationships and seeing why you do some of the things you do or do not do.

7/27/2006 5:26 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Chiefbiscuit, thank you.

Jimmy, no but I know what it's about. Right now, I'm more angry than hurt anyway. I'll get over it. What other choice do I have?

7/27/2006 9:15 AM  
Blogger JimmyJames said...

You only have one choice and that is to forgive yourself amd allow yourself to feel the pain, hurt etc. and cry. Let the tears flow. These are the times that you grow. And you must be doing a lot of growing.

7/27/2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

I'm doing a lot of something, that's for sure. Mostly wondering what the fuck is wrong with me but that probably doesn't count.

7/27/2006 8:14 PM  
Blogger JimmyJames said...

There is nothing wrong with you. You may need to rethink some of your choices, attitudes, thoughts, but you are where you are meant to be. You are learning lessons of life, and they may be smacking you with a proverbial 2x4, but the lessons are gifts and challenges for you to learn from. It is your choice on how you to interpret the lesson. It may be you feel you do not deserve the best, so you constantly make choices that results in you feeling justified in your feeling of being "fucked over" I was also feeling somewhat the same in similiar areas, until I looked at what was in common with my choices in relationships past, and finally realized I was always choosing and image of "mom!" I felt mom was a controller, so I gravitated towards controlling women. But always came up feeling hurt, dismayed, and angry. Once I realized that, I could then start making choices more intelligently and keep in mine my weakness also.
Besides, if you refer to New Age thinging, spirituality, or the bible, you are made in God's perfect image. How could you then be less, unless you choose to be less.

7/27/2006 9:36 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Oh, I know, I'm just being bitter. I'll get over it eventually. It's just when something like that happens, you automatically assume that there's something wrong with you that makes you less desirable. Like I said, I'll get over it. My plan now is to be so fabulous he'll regret his poor judgment in dumping me. See how he likes that.

7/27/2006 9:41 PM  
Blogger JimmyJames said...

Since you are already that - fabulous and beautiful, try something that will really get to him. Be happy, enjoy life, and love every second of it. Live life with a sizzling zeal of joyous love for everyone.

7/27/2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Fabulous, beautiful, and a need for vengeance. Watch out now, this could get dangerous.

7/27/2006 9:54 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Incredible post. Beautiful. I read it twice.

8/01/2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Mr. Schprock, welcome. I've been lurking on your blog for a while so I'm glad you came over to visit. Glad you liked the post.

8/01/2006 4:21 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home