Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What I choose

I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

--Dawna Markova

These words found me today when I least expected it. The universe has been speaking to me for a while now but only recently have I started paying attention. Lately, I've been seeing visions in the strangest places. I see them in the clouds, mountains rising into the sky. I see them in the faces of strangers, in the face in the mirror. This world is full of beauty, you just have to look for it. You have to be willing to dig, to get your hands dirty. Beauty is not something you can make; it's something that happens to you when you least expect it. Something you find when you didn't even know you were looking.

I am making an effort to hope. To believe. To dream. I want to run barefoot through a field of purple, in a paper-thin dress with the sun on my shoulders. I want to hear music and know that the notes, the rhythm, come from inside my own heart. I want to tell stories, to release these words and know that there will be more. That there will always be more. This is my work. I've been fighting it, telling myself it was not what I wanted. Only now do I see that there was never any choice in it.

In the library, I overheard a mother tell her child Walk, don't run. What she meant was: Be careful, there could be danger here. There is danger in everything but there is possibility too. The thing I thought I wanted, the thing I thought I'd lost, is within my reach. And now I don't quite know what to do with it. I hold it in my hand, watching it sparkle. I think of the mother, urging her child to be careful. This is advice I can use. I will walk, slowly, cautiously, taking small steps. But inside, I am running, running, running.

August is nearly over; the summer is dying a slow death, drawing out its last damp breaths. I'm sad to see it go but I'm ready for the change. In another month, the air will be crisp, the days shorter, cooler. Soon, I will turn 28. I'm ready to say goodbye to 27, to this last year of uncertainty. I'm just now beginning to find myself, to make up for lost time. Better late than never. I've been sad for too long, for the wrong reasons. There is no room for sadness; there can only be joy, even if I have to make it myself. I've lost the instructions; maybe I never had them to begin with. No matter. This is work I can do. I will not die an unlived life, no. I want to become the wing, the torch, the seed, the blossom. To bear this fruit again and again, for as many seasons as I can.

15 Comments:

Blogger briliantdonkey said...

Another briliantly(yes I know i misspelled it but thats my way) ,,,,thought out, very well written post. Glad and proud to see you fighting back.

BD

8/23/2006 12:05 AM  
Blogger willowtree said...

Beautifully written Rebecca. I'm going to write those words in my journal. I needed to see them too.

8/23/2006 9:36 AM  
Blogger Lex Ham Rand said...

Thank you for writing this post. I read it at just the right moment in my day when I needed some hopeful words.

8/23/2006 11:44 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Now that's what I like to hear! You will do just fine. Just keep your chin up. Print this out and reread it when you need a reminder.

8/23/2006 1:15 PM  
Blogger twitches said...

Keep up the positive energy - it will definitely do you good. A lovely post.

8/23/2006 5:55 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Thanks everyone. Let's hope this feeling lasts.

8/23/2006 9:23 PM  
Anonymous bookfraud said...

now that's more like it (no more yankees!). keep it going, girl.

8/24/2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

No more Yankees? Oh well.....

8/24/2006 1:54 PM  
Blogger LK said...

Beautiful! Beautiful.

8/25/2006 4:52 PM  
Blogger Michael Thomas said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/25/2006 10:11 PM  
Blogger Michael Thomas said...

First time reader, First Time Poster. Linked from Brilliant Donkey.

Your last blog hit so close to home that I just wanted to tear my heart out. Jesus, it just hit some buttons that I've been trying to bury for too damn long.

This is an awesome post, hon. It may be a little overdramatic, but it will definitely pull the heartstrings of anyone who reads it, though they will never admit it to themselves or anyone else.

Keep posting, and Pleae, post your RSS feed.

Dreambard99
Cardiac Fantasies

8/25/2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Welcome, Literate Kitten. I was just checking out your blog and you're quite the little reader, my goodness.

Michael Thomas, hello there. I was wondering why you deleted your first comment. Had to sneak in the hyperlink on me, eh? That's cool. Just so you know, I'm always overly dramatic. It's my singular gift in life. Sadly, since I possess neither stunning good looks nor the craziness of Tom Cruise, I'll never make it to Hollywood. Instead, I write these rambling blog posts. So welcome.

8/25/2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

And how do I post an RSS feed? And what is that exactly?

8/25/2006 10:25 PM  
Blogger Remiman said...

Rebecca,
I look forward to following you on your journey to live a full life!
rel

8/26/2006 6:48 AM  
Blogger Writing Blind said...

Remiman, welcome. That's such a cute picture! I'm looking forward to this journey too.

8/29/2006 1:19 AM  

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