Thursday, August 17, 2006


I am a clock that is slowly winding down. There is a glitch in the machinery, the gears are beginning to stick. I need to be taken apart, to have the pieces of myself laid out on the workbench. The springs need tightening, the coils need cleaning. I want to speed up, go faster. To hum, instead of this awful sputtering.

Tonight, I stood alone in a parking lot, crying. A car passed and I hid my face, ashamed at my tears, my weakness. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be the girl who smiles, the girl who sings. The girl who knows her own strength.

I want to be undone.

I want to start over, to be poured into the mold and made new. I want to be reborn, to sit up, blinking and amazed at the sight of the world. My steps will be shaky but I will relearn them, better, more certain than before. I will be stronger, faster, smarter. I will not be so careless, so reckless.

I want to be the Tin Man, to be a handed a new heart, shining and perfect. I want to hold it to my ear and listen to it tick. To know that this one will not fail me, that this one has no memory of pain. The things you do for love are always the things you regret most, and longest. This is the lesson I've learned.

I am trying to be different. I am trying to transform, to make myself better. There are flaws, cracks along the seams that are in need of mending. On the surface, they seem shallow, harmless, but these fissures run deep. I am trying to fix them, to seal the breaks as best I can. To repair the damage before it's too late. I have the tools; all I need now is time.

**To all of you who continue to read these melancholy posts, and to suffer my moods...

Thank you.